not as in the song but an upcoming trip.
Taking the long way to Florida and along the way going to visit the folks, do some paper work for them, and spend two days in the hell that is my family.
No hate mail from my little hater please, I’m fine with my lack of endearing love for my parents. You worry about your’s, I’ll pretend to like mine.
I’m dreading this trip. I’m supposed to be there now but plans got changed. My mother has Alzheimers. That’s not the reason for my lack of affection for them, it just adds to the guilt I carry around. She isn’t a confused “gee I forgot” kind of sufferer, she’s gone the surly and rude route instead. That’s tough to handle. She was already trying to cope with going blind and this double whammy makes life there even rougher. My Father muddles through okay. My brother, aka the big fat wussy, copes by pretending everything’s fine. That’s his approach to anything he wants to avoid handling. She assists him by going from nasty to sweet whenever she hears his voice. I almost think I have the better bit of Mom. She may be rude to me but I know the reality and accept it. He doesn’t.
Her latest trick is to hang up on me when I call her. Then she turns around and complains that I never call. Luckily one of the few pieces of modern technology my Father has mastered is the caller ID box on their phone.
Now I know this disease has touched many lives and I know some of you are shaking your heads in agreement or thinking you know how I feel. I hope you do not because watching a good parent, a beloved parent go through these stages must be devastating but trying to cope with a bad parent going through it is a brand spankin’ new kind of hell. When it came to the parent lottery the odds were not in my favor…twice. Birth parents and adoptive it’s a crap sandwich no matter how you slice it and how many potato chips you serve with it.
And that’s fine, no one promised life was a rose garden so a little manure is to be expected. But honoring one’s Mother and Father is tough when one’s Mother and Father aren’t honorable. And just as I finally put my past behind me and stood tall-ish and secure in who I am…. bam! This happens and all the sudden the people I had the courage to turn partially away from I need to not only deal with regularly but I need to have compassion and forgiveness for. How’s that for a dilemma?
My faith in God is strong but my support system is weak. I have always struggled with my in-grown need to do what’s right so it took me forty six years to finally reach a point where I could remove my limb from the family tree and now I must graft it back on and knowingly and willingly face a barrage of venom and hate from a woman I have a tough time even liking let alone loving. I know what’s right and I know what to do but it’s going to be painful and it’s going to chip away at me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
So, aren’t you glad you asked where I’ve been and why I’m not writing?
that’ll teach you…. I plan to write as I go and maybe someone out there will nod along and say “yeah I understand” or maybe you won’t but this is real and my blog’s always been about my life so here it is, it ain’t purty and it ain’t perfect but it’s mine and it’s the only one I’ve got.