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lessons learned

I don’t usually talk about news stories. But there’s one I’ve followed and it’s on my mind. Caylee Anthony was a little girl who one day went missing. I know that happens way to often in our world but she went missing and for thirty one days no one reported her gone. I’ll give a tiny bit of credit to her grandparents and uncle and say they may not have known she was truely gone but her mother knew and in the time this tiny life was missing, her mother went out, slept over at her boyfriend’s, got a tattoo, and broke a few laws along the way.  Why this one little girl caught my attention is simple, when she went missing and was finally reported missing, I was starting to count down to the birth of my granddaughter. So my heart broke for the grandparents. Them losing something that I didn’t even understand having yet.

But as I’ve followed this case it’s confused me. Made me ask some questions of myself.

Do I love my children enough to lie for them or do I love them so much that I wouldn’t?

I think it’s harder to love them so much you won’t cover for them or lie for them. 

It’s easy for me to sit here smug, looking into someone esle’s disfunction. I can pick apart the pieces of their lives and then tell them I would never or could never…

I don’t think the Anthonys set out to create a monster, I don’t think they understand now how it happened. But what they did do is forget the boundries between child and parent. They forgot that sometimes we have to let our children face what they’ve done and we have to do it from the begining. When you never hold your children responsible for their words and their actions and when you cover for them or clean up their messes time after time, you don’t teach them you love them or how to be adults.

When you do those things, you let them grow up thinking they can do whatever they want and they don’t understand how to think of  others, not even when “others” are a tiny two year old child.

I don’t think the Anthonys saw anything wrong with covering Casey’s early messes. I know there were a couple times I fought with myself over excusing away my son’s behaviors. And I lost a couple of those fights too. I said “he would never” or “the teacher must just not like him” but I knew that wasn’t it and I stopped myself fast. My boys may have been my little angels but they weren’t that angelic and I knew it. It’s so easy to make excuses, to blame something for your child’s faults. The other kids were bad influences, he forgot he had that gum in his hand. She wasn’t trying to be mean, they must’ve misunderstood.  Excuses are a dime a dozen and I had plenty of change to buy some but I had to make myself put that change away and let my children take the fall for what they’d done (or not done).

I wanted my sons to grow up and be men I’d want to know. To have them become people I’d want as neighbors.  That’s my advice to young parents like my son. Raise your children to be people you’d want as neighbors.  Tell them “no” and teach them early on to respect you and others. Punish them when they need it, hug them when they don’t know they need it. Don’t worry about being their best friend, that’s what their peers are for. Be a parent. Don’t be their overlord or their owner.

I’m not saying  the Anthonys could have altered what their daughter has done. Not my place to say that but they raised a child who never grew up. She never learned “no” and she never learned bounderies. She took what she wanted be it money from her best friend, her own grandparents, or her baby daughter’s piggy bank… she lied about who she was, what she did, and who she did it with. She hurt people on “whim” she made herself more important than anyone else and they let her. Time after time her behavior screamed out for help and they made excuses and covered for her. And now, they still lie for her. They lie to the police, to the FBI, to the media, to us, and to themselves. They give their child their version of love and in return she gives them disrepect and thinly veiled hatred. The child they thought they loved so much that they fixed all her mistakes, took away something else they loved.

 

Look how their story is ending, a dead grandchild, an incarcerated daughter, a lifetime of hell for them.  They may face charges themselves. They’ve lost their friends and their family. They’ve lost their self respect and the respect of everyone. They made this mess and they nuured what they thought was a flower but their flower turned out to be poison ivy and everything their daughter touched is now destroyed. They will never face another day without pain and tears and they will never know exactly why but I bet they l0ok back and realize the whole path could’ve veered differently had they only said “no” and meant it.

I have a granddaughter now. They do not. My son and I have discussed this case often and I must’ve done something right because he wants to be the kind of parent who raises his daughter right by saying no and not making excuses and I have no doubt that the child he and Katie raise will be the kind of person I’d like as a neighbor.

 

We can’t change what we see in the news. We can talk about it, like I do on IS. We can watch Nancy Grace or Geraldo although I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone watches Geraldo and  I’m not allowed to watch Nancy Grace because it makes me yell at the tv. We can gossip over these people at work or at play but unless we take their lessons to heart someday we’ll be reading about another case, another family, another trgedy. 

I’m a grandparent now, a role I take seriously. But I was a mother first and the hardest part of parenting is the part I’m glad I did.

If you haven’t read about Casey Anthony, please do. And if you’re the praying sort please offer up a prayer for her parents. They still don’t understand and when they do it will destroy them. They thought they loved their daughter so much that they covered for her, but they needed to love her enough to let her fall.

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4 comments on “lessons learned

  1. Jim, I replied to you this morning from my email but it didn’t show here. I must’ve done it wrong. I’ll pop back later on with your answers. when I have a few more minutes to type.

  2. I guess I would lie, cheat and steal if I had a relationship with my daughter that Cindy Anothony did with hers……… It would be out of guilt!
    I have followed this from the beginning. Sometimes it boils down to the simplest of questions. Like in the OJ trial…. Had the prosecution asked some of the neighbors, “how many times have you seen Mr. Simpson (with a 5 car garage), park his vehicle in the street over night…..especially when he’s going away for a weekend?” Maybe the jury could have got that!
    In Casey’s case, she claims that someone named Jeffery and (I think it was) Julie are the ones she told about Caylee’s disappearance. did that pan out? Did this Jeffery really leave his son with this, so called Nanny too, as she claimed? Never heard an answer to any of that yet. I’d like to know (maybe through Nancy Grace) had anyone…… anyone at all ever met this nanny? I already know that the answer is no!
    I feel so sad for the beautiful little girl. I think that the whole thing was over this dysfunctional family and the attention between the granddaughter and grandmother.

  3. I think every parent must have a “there but for the grace of God” moment when reading about the Anthony family.
    Most of us struggled through the “I hate you” and the “everyone else gets to” parent-child blow outs. But we hang in there, weather the storm and in the long run we’re better for it. Them as children, us as parents. Without pain (or pain in the ass) there is no growth and in a sense never teaching your child “no” and to consider others stunts their growth.
    I cannot completely condemn the Anthonys, I’m gifted when it comes to mistakes. I make plenty and whenever I did my two made sure I knew it. They were funny that way.

    My personal opinion is … the more they “I hate you” and “you’re soooo mean Mom” the more you know you’re doing okay in raising them. If one of mine didn’t ” I hate you” once in a while then I knew I was doing something wrong 🙂

    (and I knew they loved me)

  4. I must say that is one of the Best Blogs I have read so far in this Case.
    You said about everything which has been on my Mind.
    I also have two grown Sons and two Grand children.
    When my Kids were little, there were many times I wasn’t popular with them for the simple fact I had to dicipline them when needed.
    I tried my Best to instill Morals in them and teach them right from wrong and take the Consequences for their Actions.
    I also told them, I am sorry if You don’t like me sometimes at the same time I am Your Parent not Your Buddy, I have the Responsibility to raise You to make it in this World.
    My Sons now grown up to value my Opinion and do respect me, thank God. I believe maybe I have done something right.
    There were plenty times my Sons challenged me and showed a less than acceptable Attitude and that is when I had to make sure
    they knew I would not put up with that as much as I loved them.
    Thanks again for that insightful Blog. Nicely Done!

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